when there is pain, there is purpose
Well... so its been 4 months since i last wrote here. 4 months ago, i have done a really stupid unforgivable thing, guess what i gave a second damn chance to that damn guy who broke me and guess what againnn he broke me. my heart, to be specific. i thought he would change but nah. "the person who broke you will break you again" so yeah, it is proved.
bukan baru proved pun sebenarnya. dah pernah kena dulu, i gave a guy so many chances. countless u know but still in the end, he left. its just maybe sebab.. dah lama so i dont think its going to happen again. but its okay, this time it wasnt as hurt as when i was 16. it still clear in my mind during i was 16.. it hurts as helll. dalam sakit dia sebab that time i loved too deep. sangat sayang dekat orang tu. thats why bila dia pergi, sakit pun sangat sangat sakit. but this time around it is different. rasa sakit tu macam tak ada, but still got that rasa sedih lah sebab yes i loved him. tapi just sayang yang biasa biasa. so when things end, rasa sedih pun biasa biasa je. and sebenarnya i missed that relationship when i was 16 more than that one yg happened this year. even time 16 relationship tu macam bodoh bodoh je sebab contact thru phone je, jumpa pun jarang yelah duduk asrama mana boleh selalu jumpa. nak mampus ke kena tangkap dengan badar. so the result was bila jumpa.. you know nak cakap pun macam malu malu sebab jarang so macam kekok. but yeah even selalu thru phone je, i had felt the love. his love. and masa birthday pun, rasa macam dalam cerita drama mat salleh lah jugak sebab dapat hadiah teddy bear besar. haha boyfriend bagi kot macam a dream comes true. and that was when i was in form three, and he was in form two. mana dia dapat duit banyak banyak nak beli bear besar tu pun idk. but yes i can see someone's effort to make me happy, on my best day. hadiah teddy bear besar sebab he asked me once, nak hadiah apa. and i simply said "teddy bear besar rumah" i was kidding at that moment, didnt know that he would really mean it. and we lasted for about a year. maybe a year lebih sikit. and nak move on tu fuhhh, the longest time that i have ever experienced. almost a year lah jugak baru dapat move on. it was hard. damn hard.
compared to this guy.... yang this year punya... i dont know what to say. at first nampak lah effort tu, bila merajuk sanggup pergi mart beli kinder bueno. tapi sekali jelah. birthday pun bagi hadiah macam sampah. pam tandas or ppl called it pelocok as a birthday present to someone you love? what the hell? kalau nak prank yes and at first pun i thought it was just a prank but yeah... memang hadiah pelocok.. but its ok.. sebab u know what, i pegang pada "kalau bagi hadiah best2 pun tapi last2 tinggalkan tak guna jugak" contohnya macam orang yang bagi hadiah teddy besar tu lah, last last dia pergi jugak. and i taknak pun hadiah make up or heels or whatsoever sebab i can buy them myself. so for me, i tak kisah lah hadiah apa pun asalkan your love towards me is real and wont change and of course, you wont leave. tapi sampah jugak. sama sama sampah macam pelocok dia tu. dahlah bagi hadiah bodoh, perangai kalau elok tak apa. ni pun sama bodoh. bila fikir balik, rasa macam kena guna je. he used me untuk ajar dia subject yang susah. sampai pukul 1 2 pagi i did for him, sebab yelah sayang. tapi mampus kau lah aku dah malas nak kisah. and yang ni pun tak lama, bulan 4 sampai 6 pastu break pastu getback bulan 8 sampai 10. 4 bulan je so nothing much. ni dah 70% lah move on. sebab hari hari nampak muka dia so susah lah sikit. maybe next week or next two weeks 100% kan
the moment i realized that im not worth for that kind of guy, that was when i knew i deserve better. tapi entahlah ada hati lagi ke tak nak bercinta lepas ni. tunggu lah maybe lagi 2 3 tahun bila dah dapat strength and faith in love balik. tu je nak cakap sebenarnya haha yang yes i love my relationship dengan si aiman tu more than this year punya. memang lagi best dengan yang kali ni sebab spend time sama sama tu selalu, makan sama selalu, study sama, pergi shopping jalan semua sama, but tah tak rasa yang those feelings even real pun. and yang paling i cant accept about this guy, he left without any reason. i asked him nicely but he refused to tell. yang dulu tu sebab i was far from him and dia pun dah jumpa someone else so tak apa lah. there was reasons. this one.. i have no idea. but i managed to think of some reasons. first, dia sedar yang dia ada banyak responsibility towards his parents and family but i dont think this one. second, dia memang jenis yang suka main main, tak serious pun kalau buat apa apa kerja so maybe he was just bercinta saja saja tah mampus la kau. third maybe sebab dia confuse yang dia bercinta dengan aku sebab dia suka aku betul betul or dia just suka my looks i dont know. truth is i hate people yang fall in love with me because of my looks and appearance. but what can i do... takkan nak pakai hodoh hodoh so bila ada orang suka then baru tahu dia ikhlas sebab kita tengah hodoh. ugh tulah betul orang cakap yang " sometimes better being ugly because when someone loves us, its not for our looks''.
so the question here is.. how do I find someone who's gonna love me sincerely...who's gonna love me as much as i love him... who's gonna makes so much effort to keep me just as what i did to keep him... how.........
kalau tak jumpa tak payah kahwin pun seronok gak duit banyak hidup dengan mama hakim and yang lain cukup lah hehhehe
bukan baru proved pun sebenarnya. dah pernah kena dulu, i gave a guy so many chances. countless u know but still in the end, he left. its just maybe sebab.. dah lama so i dont think its going to happen again. but its okay, this time it wasnt as hurt as when i was 16. it still clear in my mind during i was 16.. it hurts as helll. dalam sakit dia sebab that time i loved too deep. sangat sayang dekat orang tu. thats why bila dia pergi, sakit pun sangat sangat sakit. but this time around it is different. rasa sakit tu macam tak ada, but still got that rasa sedih lah sebab yes i loved him. tapi just sayang yang biasa biasa. so when things end, rasa sedih pun biasa biasa je. and sebenarnya i missed that relationship when i was 16 more than that one yg happened this year. even time 16 relationship tu macam bodoh bodoh je sebab contact thru phone je, jumpa pun jarang yelah duduk asrama mana boleh selalu jumpa. nak mampus ke kena tangkap dengan badar. so the result was bila jumpa.. you know nak cakap pun macam malu malu sebab jarang so macam kekok. but yeah even selalu thru phone je, i had felt the love. his love. and masa birthday pun, rasa macam dalam cerita drama mat salleh lah jugak sebab dapat hadiah teddy bear besar. haha boyfriend bagi kot macam a dream comes true. and that was when i was in form three, and he was in form two. mana dia dapat duit banyak banyak nak beli bear besar tu pun idk. but yes i can see someone's effort to make me happy, on my best day. hadiah teddy bear besar sebab he asked me once, nak hadiah apa. and i simply said "teddy bear besar rumah" i was kidding at that moment, didnt know that he would really mean it. and we lasted for about a year. maybe a year lebih sikit. and nak move on tu fuhhh, the longest time that i have ever experienced. almost a year lah jugak baru dapat move on. it was hard. damn hard.
compared to this guy.... yang this year punya... i dont know what to say. at first nampak lah effort tu, bila merajuk sanggup pergi mart beli kinder bueno. tapi sekali jelah. birthday pun bagi hadiah macam sampah. pam tandas or ppl called it pelocok as a birthday present to someone you love? what the hell? kalau nak prank yes and at first pun i thought it was just a prank but yeah... memang hadiah pelocok.. but its ok.. sebab u know what, i pegang pada "kalau bagi hadiah best2 pun tapi last2 tinggalkan tak guna jugak" contohnya macam orang yang bagi hadiah teddy besar tu lah, last last dia pergi jugak. and i taknak pun hadiah make up or heels or whatsoever sebab i can buy them myself. so for me, i tak kisah lah hadiah apa pun asalkan your love towards me is real and wont change and of course, you wont leave. tapi sampah jugak. sama sama sampah macam pelocok dia tu. dahlah bagi hadiah bodoh, perangai kalau elok tak apa. ni pun sama bodoh. bila fikir balik, rasa macam kena guna je. he used me untuk ajar dia subject yang susah. sampai pukul 1 2 pagi i did for him, sebab yelah sayang. tapi mampus kau lah aku dah malas nak kisah. and yang ni pun tak lama, bulan 4 sampai 6 pastu break pastu getback bulan 8 sampai 10. 4 bulan je so nothing much. ni dah 70% lah move on. sebab hari hari nampak muka dia so susah lah sikit. maybe next week or next two weeks 100% kan
the moment i realized that im not worth for that kind of guy, that was when i knew i deserve better. tapi entahlah ada hati lagi ke tak nak bercinta lepas ni. tunggu lah maybe lagi 2 3 tahun bila dah dapat strength and faith in love balik. tu je nak cakap sebenarnya haha yang yes i love my relationship dengan si aiman tu more than this year punya. memang lagi best dengan yang kali ni sebab spend time sama sama tu selalu, makan sama selalu, study sama, pergi shopping jalan semua sama, but tah tak rasa yang those feelings even real pun. and yang paling i cant accept about this guy, he left without any reason. i asked him nicely but he refused to tell. yang dulu tu sebab i was far from him and dia pun dah jumpa someone else so tak apa lah. there was reasons. this one.. i have no idea. but i managed to think of some reasons. first, dia sedar yang dia ada banyak responsibility towards his parents and family but i dont think this one. second, dia memang jenis yang suka main main, tak serious pun kalau buat apa apa kerja so maybe he was just bercinta saja saja tah mampus la kau. third maybe sebab dia confuse yang dia bercinta dengan aku sebab dia suka aku betul betul or dia just suka my looks i dont know. truth is i hate people yang fall in love with me because of my looks and appearance. but what can i do... takkan nak pakai hodoh hodoh so bila ada orang suka then baru tahu dia ikhlas sebab kita tengah hodoh. ugh tulah betul orang cakap yang " sometimes better being ugly because when someone loves us, its not for our looks''.
so the question here is.. how do I find someone who's gonna love me sincerely...who's gonna love me as much as i love him... who's gonna makes so much effort to keep me just as what i did to keep him... how.........
kalau tak jumpa tak payah kahwin pun seronok gak duit banyak hidup dengan mama hakim and yang lain cukup lah hehhehe
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